Sometimes you have to lay it on the line, say it from the heart ...and Ya Gotta Believe!
It was after that previous post about Prince and his views on gays that yours truly started thinking. It was not so much what he said exactly, after all he is entitled to think whatevevr he damn well pleases. But it was something that struck a rather strong chord about many things. Some of which are very, very personal..As is the custom when these come up and stick in the mind, they need to be voiced out...which will be done in this space.
For one, this issue and also the exit polling that occured in California in re: Proposition 8 not only showed how divided the US really is, in spite of Obama being elected president. Some will say that this vote was done on a 'moral' basis, but that is not just a poorly placed straw argument, but it is rather sad when one sees that this came down along racial lines. I grew up in an environment along those lines [not a Jehovah's Witness...no....but in a Protestant home] and while my sister and I did have some good times in same..there were as also this omnipresent undercurrent of bigotry that pervaded nearly every aspect of life. A lot of this did not become fully apparent until we were a little older and the little remarks would be made about there are some things one does because they are 'black' and some things that are not done due to the fact that they are considered to be 'white'. [Yes I know...rather anal retentive and assinine. Even with the history as it was...and no one discounts the fact that discrimination existed and still does, there were those who moved beyond that and were considered sellouts. But I digress..] This helped to set up some, in retrospect very bad decisions as far as educational goals were concerned, social circles - you name it. And heaven help you if you were male in this. Why? Well if one were to show an interest in anything outside of sports or any of what were ultra-macho fields of endeavor and wanted to use one's brain instead of brawn...they were called gay. Well not that word exactly, but many others....some of which cannot be used here, outside of maybe being a sissy. Which to this mind is stupid, although there are many folks out there who still cling to this line of thought, As such, males more often than not to prove themselves fall into improving their 'street cred' by creating stables of girlfriends by which they have children by the boatload, engage in activities where they will flash their muscles but not ecercise the muscle between the ears and alter their minds with substances that no person in their right mind would want to be near if only because that means they are cool. But if you do not do any of this...well you get the idea....
Pursuant to this...if one were to during adolecence and beyond were to find themselves outside of this sphere and wanted to be around like minded others, in particular same sex others, whoa be to them. They would encure the wrath of God, or in this case that of parents and relatives. WHY? Well this is not 'normal'.There is that wonderful operative word....NORMAL. But if one were to take into account what is called normal...that is for lack of a better term ABNORMAL. To find your way with someone who is one's soulmate or at least a close compadre who is of the same gender is more normal than anything else in the following context: it means that someone is happy and healthy and from that would be able to succeed. But what folks like Prince and his ilk by association are more likely to want to see people play below their life expectations to fit into a mold that was created by persons from an age that is older than some of the rocks used to make stone gardens, In short to fit irregardless of the damage that happens to that person.. To these eyes that is just plain insane, harmful and WRONG!
Secondly, this also brought out the fact that people of that artist's type had actually played around with gender roles for years for fun and profit. For some of us....sure as heck it is not a game. Far from it. Attitudes like that had forced me to come to terms with my own situation a little into the middle of life. Even though I had done some of the things that were expected and had fun...but there was always something that gnawed at me. I experimented which caused the parents and myself to yell, fight, send me to therapy [which did not work] and other things. In short it was increasingly uncomfotable to fit into a role that was not natural for me to live in. And yes those aforementioned words were used to describe what I would be if I did not fullfil the male role. But try as I did, none of that made any real sencec til I moved away from NYC to Seattle in 1989.
The fact that I struggled with this did not make me any less of a person. It meant that there was a group of unresolved issues that if not handled would cause life to be stifled. As I dealt with them, there was the blending of what I liked from my previous life and they were incorporated into my new one. So yeah I could go to a ballgame and also be as likely to discuss who was batting below the Mendoza Line as I would about current fashions with the people I was seated with. It meant I could just as easily rap with someone about music as I could a hairstylist about what hairpirces/wigs would work with my face. Or at the market talk about my preferences in re: Cheddar Cheese as well as what color pan I should buy from the utensils aisle. Fact is my life become more full as a result of this blending of both...and yes I did go fulltime M to F not too soon after the move. Which was a major load taken off the shoulders, with others to deal with. Did this make me a sissy, a creep, a miscreant? No. It made me a PERSON more of a whole person than those who were willing to sublimate their lives to fit into some preconcieved mold...facts are facts. This was not without its host of problems from family still and others but those get handled over time.
Which leads into the third issue that all of this brought home and that is love. It is sad that the same people who each Sunday or so preach love thy neighbor and also do not want to have judgement passed on them go out of their way after their services are done [which by the way, it seems that the time of worship on the weekends here in the US is considered the most segregated time of the week.....gee one has to wonder why] to wreak their narrow minded concepts on others the rest the week. And yes this happnes with love as well. When I was younger, there was this idea that love would mean 'sticking with one's own kind and being hetero' in order to be happy in the initimacy realm. Guess what that did not work, if only because I had more in common with those of different ethnic backgrounds than those who were black. If you are wondering, this is not as odd as it sounds, in fact this happens more often than many will admit to. There were a string of failed relationships with humans, the demise of same I attribute to my own immaturity combined with delaing with my own gender issues in the background. Oddly enough I got along better with animals - in particular, cats. Be it Shrimpy who was our first female cat in the family household who ha a litter of 5 kittens to others down the road [as in Margie, Rachel and Marissa - more on that later]. But as I got older and the other items in my life started to become apparent, I become more enamored with being around fellow M to F individuals...mainly those who were white. This was due to many things that we had in common. It just happened that way and I was happy for that. Now to some, this would be termed gay or same sex...makes no nevermind here...to me if one finds those they can be around and if it is hetero or same sex...so what? Big freaking deal..it is not going to destroy the planet.
Moving forward to where I am now in this, there have been four significant relationships with humans and four of same with cats I have adopted or live with.In another space, you may have seen my references to the ones with my feline associates and they are also represented in my mind by the four little outer stones on the cross necklace I wear. The human relationships, including my last one could be divided into the two that were M/F and the other two that were M to F/M to F...the latter ones happening after I started transition. Were these planned? NO....no one can plan on who they are goin g to fall in love with, who they have something in common with, who they call their soulmate. These things happen due to the fact that they happen. Nothing more and nothing less. Would I want to trade a good relationship with a fellow M to F for something that is hetero and would be uncomfortable for me? No. Would I trade the good friends I have made along the way because they do not fit a mold? Hell no....it would mean not only throwing away being able to bounce things off people I trust. Like my friend in Denver, who is similar in age and political outlook, like my right arm at times or my friend in Minneapolis who is older but we get along like we have been around each other since birth....or those who are in so many other cities, it would take several blog postings to ennumerate them all. And this also includes a new person for whom the heart has fallen very deeply for. [Whose name I will not post here...several people know of what is going on and I will respect her situation in this, if only due to the fact that the words that are said about the emotions have been said through other means and in other corners]
Which takes me to the last section here. Ya gotta believe that someone is out there no matter what the stripe and many times something like this will happen by accident. The heart does not have a blatant set compass, at least that is how I see it. Now are there differences in this situation, of course. There are such things as distance, age and some other items. But she is in a similar boat like I am...although I am fulltime ans she is still in the process of finding her way in this. That does not matter worth darn here. The heart and mind fell in love with this person because of her words, her visage...which struck a chord here that has no been played in many many years. Unlike the item that was the genesis for this particular post, I do not qualify how I see my friend in terms of it fitting some stereotypical societal ideal. If I were to act in that fashion, I would be a fool and would then have to give away the opporuntity of a good friendship or relationship in order to be an automaton. The ability to find and be with peers who make each of us feel comfortable is what seperates humans from lower forms of life like earthworms, snails and other bottom feeders.
I have never thought of the current issue as being one of same sex or any other term. I love her, I love this person due to many many reasons. This was in no way ordained by anything else outside of chance...not unlike the medical issues that happend by chance to place me in the hospital earlier this year. In that stead, chance placed me where I got the treatment that is needed and thankfully my doctors - Nick, Steve and Wai have me on a path towards longterm recovery. Chance after this placed me in a position to connect with my friend, to communicate to her what was going on here, to share what was in the mind and heart, to voice out ideas. And while communciations are more or less sproadic, that does not change how the heart feels and how the mind visualizes the time from here. Is this someone I would be willing to make the sacrifices for in order to be together? Yes. Would I be willing to make some changes here even if it means another location? Yes again. Would I be willing to wait for her to resolve her issues? Yes...you bet your a** I would...any person who makes another's heart flutter and hence they become smitten with is more than worth the wait...ANYTIME. Does the fact that I feel this way towards her make me any less of a person in the eyes of God? No...any person with even a millliter of common sense would know that is not the case.
All of the above comes down to not just the freedom that us humans enjoy to have our own religious views but also the fact that we have the freedom to love who we chose. To have that one on one that [with the exception of some animals like some breeds of cats, birds and wolves] makes the experience, this ride that we call life worthwhile. To know that when we do find that one party that we can say 'yes, my love I am ready to commit' and to have two lives travel along as one. No matter what the color, the preference, the age or any other factor. It is a shame that there are people out there like Prince and other minions who think that all of what has been said here can fit into a very, cozy box of society's doing. If it did, then we would have a planet that is devoid of love and joy......and I would be without my friend. Or even my cats. And that is not a world that would be palatable to even the most cynical of humans.